Monthly Mood: Just Listen| December 2017

Monthly Mood

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It’s been a while since I’ve been in the mindset of writing a blog post. A lot has happened in the past 3 months – mostly ups. I’ve been trying to focus on my inner self, listening to what it is I need and for the most part – it’s been the need to let things go and simplify. I’ve had a lot of creative ideas for blog posts, but no drive to see them through as I’ve been refusing to put my “social media” or “blogging” lens on. I’ve instead, been wanting to live through my experiences, as they come, and not get worked up about turning a natural experience into something I need to format and share.

Refining takes time. I try to constantly remind myself. So into December we go, closing the book of 2017 and I plan to continue to lay low and listen to myself.


I found this poem I wrote a while back, and of course it still speaks to me today.

Everyday I wake up to the rest of my life.
Wondering what trials and tribulations will face me today.
Completely unscathed by what was yesterday.
To feel or not to feel? You must press forward.
Is that the key to success, or the recipe for complete distress?
You tell me.
To feel or not to feel? You must press forward – I was referring to the American life, our expectations to work ourselves to the ground, but not for ourselves. We think it is for ourselves – working hard for vacation time, for the house or the family we think we need. And pressing forward is something American culture is good at- being numb to our own needs and wants as a human being, often times not knowing what it is we really want in life.
Is that the key to success, or the recipe for complete distress? – Is being numb and living for your job the only way to success? Or does it cause an inner dissonance?
Having written this in a moment when I was regretting my time wasted with school and struggling with multiple jobs, I meant it all in a negative way. But now as I’ve shed some things in my life, I now feel this is a question I am now asking myself again – to feel or not to feel? but most importantly WHAT is it that I want to feel? and now realizing that I am in control of that- this has become an encouraging poem.
So into the new year we must create what it is we want to feel and live for. It may take some time- which is the biggest lesson for me- but it will come, but in the mean time- don’t crowd your space and brain with unnecessary obligations (social gatherings, projects, etc.) otherwise you won’t allow yourself to find what it is you truly need.
Just be quite and listen.
Even if you have to listen for a long time.
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The art of doing nothing.

Creative Writing

Since graduating college, I had this desire to do all the things – join a quartet, play recreational soccer, take private cello lessons, coach soccer, brunch all the brunches – all the things. But then I started to dread it all, I was totally stressed out and losing all creative inspiration. When you’re a student, you don’t have a life; especially if you are working full time on top of being a full time student, so after graduation I wanted to participate in all the things I never had time for.

Now three years later, I’ve finally told myself NO, you can’t.

It’s been three months after quitting all the above and the empty space has been very silent, and sometimes haunting. I’m the type of person who, even though it stresses me out, enjoys being busy. My mind needs the distraction because when I have nothing to do, I am prone to overthinking and minor anxiety attacks about life.

In these three months I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, throw in the fact that I’ve also been going through some major life changes, I couldn’t’ even begin to describe or articulate what these emotions were. Maybe I could say they were a hint of sadness, excitement, wonder, despair, feeling completely lost, loneliness, love, stress, hate, jealousy.. it was just all bundled into one big ball in my chest.

I’m almost certain, and I keep telling myself this, that everyone feels this way. The only reason I feel like I can’t handle it is because society won’t let us feel all these emotions out. We live such a fast paced life. There are so many expectations on ourselves. In our culture we need to aspire. For comfort, for the life we are conditioned to depend on, we must aspire.

And so I was sitting in this lukewarm bath of emotions wanting to get out and fill up my time again, and ignore all these real feelings by doing what I know how to do best. But I was also exhausted, I knew I had to sit there and do nothing, ride them out. It was as if all these emotions were finally having their moment of recognition, all these moments starting from way back when………. well I don’t even know how far back because I’ve been busy my whole life!

I started reading the Tao, one poem a day, and today it gave me an affirmation – to continue on my path of nothingness.

 

If you oversteem great men,

people become powerless,

If you overvalue possessions,

people begin to steal.

The master leads

by emtying people’s minds

and filling their cores,

by weakening their ambition

and toughening their resolve.

He helps people lose everything

they know, everything they desire,

and creates confusion

in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing, 

and everything will fall into place. 


 

Keeping Up with the Current – A poem.

Creative Writing

Lying here like a rock under current

Anxieties of today, tomorrow, and yesterday gently sweep over me

like a sparkling golden water blanket.

Always sliding forward. Moving fast and noisily into the deep silent blue beyond.

A rock lying on it’s back looking up into the sun rays.

As sea foam fizzles off the sand.

Rock belly bottom.

Modern Death Trap – A poem.

Creative Writing
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Based off what you’re telling me, you no longer believe in magic.
you have chosen to be forgotten
you have chosen to be fatigued.
Based off what I’m seeing, your a dying soul, a fogged out rainbow
greying out of the spectrum.
I’ll pity you tomorrow
Im too busy sniffing flowers.
Come to me next week and I’ll have your color pallette ready
I’ll rub it in your face, your skin
I’ll cover you with petals and daffodillies.
There now, go to sleep
rest your eyes
become obsolete
Rest your head, never wake up
your trapped in a world of grime and muck
This is what you have chosen.
this is what you believe.
leave me to my fairies, I’ll be seeing you beneath the trees.
Image: acrylic/ink/watercolor/electrical tape circa 2011

Excelsior: Ever Upward 

Creative Writing

This morning I had the chance to visit the other side of town where I used to know. I spent a lot of time there, I gave a lot of myself there. I had to catch the 44 bus line from the other side of the park. I enjoyed the sun peering through the empty bus, as the rest of the city was still asleep- The Excelsior, ever upward, was where I was going. I was reminded a lot today. I was reminded of my ghosts, and reminded of my faults. I was reminded of my blessings and reminded of the silent acknowledgement between two individuals now, forever strangers, that were once tangled in each others path; painstakingly trying to line up with each others map. There is a weight lifted off this side of town, now, as the sun can peer down on me. Me, able to absorb it’s light.  Free of what was intoxicating to the both of us….

I thought for a moment, about the day, if there ever was a day, that I would pass through this side of town again. And on that day,  I imagined I would be in a place to casually call and say ‘Hey, funny, but I’m just passing our grave…” … I quickly dismissed this idea, because this day will never come, and there is no need for it to come. Once you pass onto your new lives, sometimes it’s best to just remember, and acknowledge each other from the looking glass. No words to be spoken, no words left unsaid.

Law of Gravity – A poem.

Creative Writing

we came up from the beach at night
the bridge doomed under a sheet of fog- orange glowing.
the bus horned down the hill like a life size slug storming to get me.
i stood up, staggering with fleet and flight. arms up in surrender.
i was told to just sit down;wave them off.
the raccoons kept staring. a thousand pairs of eyes reflecting off my lights.
i ran but the pavement kept on moving.
we were droogs in the night bending backwards and forwards possessed with heaving laughter.
we pulsated under streetlights.
we melted on walls.
we sat in silence as colorful sweat dribbled down our faces.
our eyes rolled back.
the clock struck midnight as we struggled to count our cash
we ventured to the bus stop and waited.
there, a hopeless man kept on pounding his chest; testosterone flying in the air.
i merely took the greens he offered and left.
thanks.
i was late for a meeting on the next corner.
the appointment commenced.
a bump of life swept through us. back in the realm we were again.
the bus driver nodded, pupils as big as dimes.
dooms day.
i need to get off on 6th.

In one house – A poem.

Creative Writing

 


In one house.

What emotional intellect would it take for two people in love to live in one house.

One house, which, over time becomes your sanctuary,

your time capsule, your gray cell,

your pillow.

Two minds in one house circle each other in tired tracks.

Two spirits dance in unison down candle lit hallways.

Two people together in one house, root their feet into the earth;

eternally weaving in and out of each other down the deepest of depths

and the highest of blue skies.

Clear Blue Saturday – A poem.

Creative Writing

being one in the many makes me feel alive
riding trains and getting lost in the sea of faces as each cell host passes by
engulfed into this membrane of unity-not fully unified- but together we ride the veins that feed this life
this backdrop behind me with pure raw vibe…alone it stands.
alone we stand.stand and deliver the image of what we want to happen today.
against pillars and posts
hiding out in a shadowy host
we remember today as the sad feelings of tomorrow
what is the still mind in a moving box?
transporting itself back to the center
we ride trains into the tunnels of our minds. hide out for the day and listen to the drops echo in high resonance splash into the emptiness with an opaque sound on the mind’s peace.
we pulse around continuously
where and when can we rest? and even then, can we?
like a vacuum to my stress, i venture out of the city to regain the confidence.
take this day like a lark. take this day like a plunge.