There are a lot of expectations I put on myself. I need to remember it’s ok to relax.
Yesterday I wanted to do so much, but with the rain, I just didn’t want to leave the house. I sat around and went through a wave of emotions, occasionally asking myself if I was OK.
I work hard, 9 – 5, sometimes 7 – 5, Monday through Friday; and I get so caught up in my future plans, which then gets me worked up on my current plans. It’s the Virgo in me to criticize myself harshly, and endlessly. It’s a viscous cycle to get caught up in. With that said, when those waves of emotions hit me, usually when I have down time, I I go through this inner battle telling myself to relax and also telling myself I’m not using my time wisely, and then another part just wanting to say fuck everything, what is all this hard work for anyways? I get so caught up in my dreams, the clouds grow and float so far away, sometimes they seem impossible to reach. Especially in moments when I have time to think about them.
This is why I’m obsessed with lists and planners, it gives me an illusion and remedy to my anxiety. Lately my mantra has been the word “EFFICIENT” what can I do now to ensure I’m setting up a solid foundation for my future plans. Instead of daydreaming about the big picture, I need to fine polish the smaller details. Mindfulness is needed to focus on the here and now.