Always out the window.
I’m always waiting for it.
Always giving it.
But never selfish with it.
This morning I had the chance to visit the other side of town where I used to know. I spent a lot of time there, I gave a lot of myself there. I had to catch the 44 bus line from the other side of the park. I enjoyed the sun peering through the empty bus, as the rest of the city was still asleep- The Excelsior, ever upward, was where I was going. I was reminded a lot today. I was reminded of my ghosts, and reminded of my faults. I was reminded of my blessings and reminded of the silent acknowledgement between two individuals now, forever strangers, that were once tangled in each others path; painstakingly trying to line up with each others map. There is a weight lifted off this side of town, now, as the sun can peer down on me. Me, able to absorb it’s light. Free of what was intoxicating to the both of us….
I thought for a moment, about the day, if there ever was a day, that I would pass through this side of town again. And on that day, I imagined I would be in a place to casually call and say ‘Hey, funny, but I’m just passing our grave…” … I quickly dismissed this idea, because this day will never come, and there is no need for it to come. Once you pass onto your new lives, sometimes it’s best to just remember, and acknowledge each other from the looking glass. No words to be spoken, no words left unsaid.
In one house.
What emotional intellect would it take for two people in love to live in one house.
One house, which, over time becomes your sanctuary,
your time capsule, your gray cell,
Two minds in one house circle each other in tired tracks.
Two spirits dance in unison down candle lit hallways.
Two people together in one house, root their feet into the earth;
eternally weaving in and out of each other down the deepest of depths
and the highest of blue skies.
There are a lot of expectations I put on myself. I need to remember it’s ok to relax.
Yesterday I wanted to do so much, but with the rain, I just didn’t want to leave the house. I sat around and went through a wave of emotions, occasionally asking myself if I was OK.
I work hard, 9 – 5, sometimes 7 – 5, Monday through Friday; and I get so caught up in my future plans, which then gets me worked up on my current plans. It’s the Virgo in me to criticize myself harshly, and endlessly. It’s a viscous cycle to get caught up in. With that said, when those waves of emotions hit me, usually when I have down time, I I go through this inner battle telling myself to relax and also telling myself I’m not using my time wisely, and then another part just wanting to say fuck everything, what is all this hard work for anyways? I get so caught up in my dreams, the clouds grow and float so far away, sometimes they seem impossible to reach. Especially in moments when I have time to think about them.
This is why I’m obsessed with lists and planners, it gives me an illusion and remedy to my anxiety. Lately my mantra has been the word “EFFICIENT” what can I do now to ensure I’m setting up a solid foundation for my future plans. Instead of daydreaming about the big picture, I need to fine polish the smaller details. Mindfulness is needed to focus on the here and now.
My Boyfriend and I have been watching a lot of documentaries lately on prisons, their systems and how they compare to other countries. We watched one on solitary confinement and we were moved to find a way to send them mail. Many interviewees emphasized how family and friends are dwindling away, how they miss just having a stimulating conversation, and the painful anxiety they get when the mail arrives and there isn’t any mail for them, their only contact with the real world.
We decided to choose a few profiles off writeaprisoner.com ; and we were selective over which ones, being careful not to choose the obvious romantic seekers. We made up pen names, to be safe, and introduced ourselves as a couple, both of us writing something in the same card. My boyfriend who was so enthusiastic about this found himself stuck, not knowing what to write, and I found myself writing as if it was to a long lost friend, quite the opposite of what we expected of ourselves.
We hope this will, in some incremental way, save someone’s sanity, and teach us a thing or two. I look forward to getting a response.
We shall wait and see.
Watching her play “The Entertainer” on the keyboard,
I was completely overwhelmed with a vast ocean of dark emptiness.
I’ve completely dived into a realm where I did not belong.
I could never belong.
But I already knew this.
I didn’t know how to act or what to say.
I have nothing that has prepared me for this.
The little girl has so much excitement to see me
but I could care less about her.
She is not me, and I am not her.
There lay the initial problem.
The little boy has down syndrome.
he is the only person I can relate to
as we share the same bewilderment towards each other.
We stare with trouble
trying to comprehend these two lives crossing.
I can barely muster up a fake smile or laugh.
I can barely carry on a conversation.
What am I doing here?
I feel like a ghost who realizes everyone in the room can see me.
I sit in silent anger.
All this was premeditated.
So why then, am I choking?
This house in which I sit,
This music which fills up my ears;
This was all taken away from me.
And I’m the only one that really understands its magnitude on my soul.
Too much time has passed for anyone to try and put a bandage on the wounds.
Too much time has passed for anyone to cap the nightmares.
I was the only one that tried to split the gap.
I was the only one that cared.